


the joke is that there isn't one.

by Zakyuu



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Undertale (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AU hopping, Alternate Universe - SMPtale, Basically Dream and Cross drop into a new AU, Confusion, Cross is tired, Dimension Travel, Dream is a feral child, Kia and Diggle I hope you like this, Non-Chronological, Other, Plot Bunny, SMPtale, Thanks Ink, Transmigration, they get scammed right off the bat, uwu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28089633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zakyuu/pseuds/Zakyuu
Summary: “So,” Not-Ink drawls, casually inspecting his Netherite sword. “Just how did both of you end up here?”Dream and Cross trade looks.“You tend to get a bit lost in the apocalypse of your multiverse,” Dream replies dryly, and Cross has to bite his tongue to stop the snort.(In which Dream and Cross end up in a world where everything is just one big heaping pile of shit. Because that’s what usually happens when you try to fight god, they guess.)
Relationships: Cross (Underverse)/Dream (Dreamtale)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	1. do not make feral child angry. do NOT.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dreemurr-skelememer](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=dreemurr-skelememer).



> I got tempted to make SMPtale fics for Kia and Diggle and their amazing AU so here it is.
> 
> Here's a list of who's who:
> 
> DreamWasTaken = Not-Ink (I'm not calling him D r i n k that would be weird)  
> GeorgeNotFound = LustnotFound (headcanon this Lust is Ace!!! <3)  
> Sapnap = SapRed  
> Karl = Dust (but he doesnt appear yet, he will soon tho, so no nicknames yet)  
> TommyInnit = Freshinnit  
> Wilbur Soot = WilBlu Soot  
> Technoblade = ErrorBlade  
> Tubbo = Drubbo  
> Fundy = Crossdy  
> Philza = Gastza  
> Niki = Nova/?? (outersans :P doesn't appear either but I'd just want to point it out)  
> Eret = Horror (no nickname yet :/)  
> Schlatt = NightSchlatt
> 
> nothing painful for you guys yet!! :D be happy lol

Drubbo is so excited to have them over at L’manberg, that Cross is honestly feeling guilty about how they have to let him down.

Dream has no such reservations.  
  
”We can’t tie ourselves down more than we already have,” Dream says.

Drubbo looks as if his gut was torn out in a flash. Oh dear. There’s the guilt Cross was starting to feel.

Dream wasn’t wrong. Not-Ink already trapped them in a deal neither of them could refuse -- they wouldn’t re-spawn after dying like the others seemed to be. Dream and Cross were well and truly trapped inside this strange survivalistic themed world until any of the powerful outcodes found them. Which meant they were staying for a while.

And Not-Ink had made sure they stayed that way.

Oh, sure, Dream had managed to kill Not-Ink a lot. Strangely cathartic for him, but it did happen. And Cross by far outclassed any of the fighters or PVP-ers of this realm that it wasn’t even funny.

But Not-Ink and the others had…powers over Dream and Cross that they themselves did not have.

Not-Ink had realized this, and used it to secure loyalty of the two wanderers and ensuring they, essentially, worked for anyone who could pay.

Only Not-Ink could do so regularly without consequences. And oh, how he loved to employ their services.

Any time Not-Ink wanted to have the tides turned into his favor? Cross was there.

Any time he needed a little recon over some faction, just to make sure they weren’t getting ahead of themselves, Dream was there.

It was horrifying, watching Not-Ink slowly puppeteer the others into a show that entertained him, that let him be a part of it.

But Dream and Cross owed nothing to this realm. They couldn’t afford to care, not even a little.

So they tried to keep a distant facade.

(Spoiler Alert: It doesn’t work.)

“Is it the payment?” Drubbo asks pleadingly. There’s tears in his sockets. Oh god. Cross doesn’t like dealing with any teary-eyed Dream. No way. “I’ll get Blu and the others to pitch in! We just -- please, we need you to stay with us --”

“Any longer than three days is asking for Ink to intervene,” Cross has to remind the teen, who wilts. “We’re really sorry, Drubbo, but we can’t risk it.”

“Can’t, or won’t?” Freshinnit snorts derisively.

Dream is silent for a few moments. “I personally won’t. I don’t know about Cross.”

Cross rolls his eyes. “I stick with every decision you make Dream. Don’t push this on me.” They exchange a quirk of lips with a thousand things to say in under a second.

Fresh looks between the both of them. He gets a really indignant expression on his face. “Give us a straight answer already!”

Dream turns back to Fresh. “That’s funny, I never said anything about being straight, so giving you one is...” There’s a playful lilt to his voice, like he’s inviting everyone to a punchline to a joke only he knows. Cross knows Fresh has just crossed (ha) dangerous territory.

Dream doesn’t make jokes. Just puns.

And yep, there’s the dangerous glint to his eye.

Dream shrugs like he hadn’t dropped the bombshell of his non-straightness. (Another thing about this realm. Apparently everyone was straight? Cross didn’t mind, people’s preferences differed after all, but it was fuck-all weird to see his ex-boss not shacking it up with Killer, or say, Error not blushing like a buffoon every time Ink so much as smiled at the glitch. In fact, the closest one they’ve seen that stuck to the LGBTQ spectrum was LustNotFound -- who, as one might have guessed, was Ace.)

“But to answer…apparently, no, we won’t make the active decision to risk ourselves. May we remind you that while you all respawn at some point, Cross and I simply won’t. We’ve got to be thrice as careful as any of you are.”

Before things can escalate, Cross seizes the chance.

“SO! You said something about an undead army?” And grinding, apparently? Cross wasn’t sure.


	2. sapred you idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is why no one triggers dream for funsies.
> 
> it's literally never fun.
> 
> cross knows this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so basically i'm adopting the headcanon that dream can and will stab anyone if he so chooses. feral child grew up a survivalist uwu
> 
> additionally anyone who looks at cross wrong? run.

So apparently some dumb idiot managed to unlock Dream’s stab-first-ask-questions-later reflex mode.

“Word of advice --” he warns SapRed. “Don’t provoke Dream into a fight. He can, and WILL cheat.”

“He’s so fucking different from Drubbo, oh my god,” SapRed groans as Cross applies another round of healing onto his body. “Where’d goldie even learn those moves?”

“I’m curious about that too,” says Not-Ink.

Cross shifts uncomfortably. “Uh…at six, or something, Dream was kinda booted out of his homeworld after Nightmare decided to go on an apple mukbang and woke up to everything trying to kill him. What do you think happened?”

Silence.

“Yo what the fuck?” SapRed whispers in horror.

Not-Ink’s ever present mask falls slightly off his face, giving Cross an idea of how caught off guard the chaotic man must be.

“How do you even know that,” grumbles Dream from his side of the cot.

Cross shifts even more. “Nightmare told me.”

“Brother told you what.”

“YO WHAT” SapRed shrieks. His fingers are flying on the chatbox before anyone has a chance to stop him.

Not-Ink makes a valiant effort to do some damage control. “Sap, wait --”

SapRed: yo Dream just said Nightmare was his brother and he was homeless at six

Everyone watches in stone cold silence as the chat inevitably broke out in hives.

“You’re staying in the dog house tonight,” Dream announces.

“no wait babe I’m sorry--”


	3. the protector and the destroyer, a guide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which errorblade fears nothing but the great beyond
> 
> too bad the great beyond is now accessible by hackers.
> 
> wonderful.

“What am I like, in your multiverse?” a curious Error (ErrorBlade??? Cross isn’t sure anymore…) asks them out of the blue.

They’re in Pogtopia -- a recently established hideaway that Fresh made with WilBlu to combat the reign of…NightSchlatt and his tyranny over…*sigh* L’manberg. Cross wants to tear his non-existent hair out. Everything was so weird, he wants out of here.

He and Dream have been currently employed by Gastza and ErrorBlade jointly so Pogtopia has an edge over their plan to..overthrow L’manberg? Yeah, Cross wasn’t going to touch that one.

Cross feels a deep scowl tear through his face, and he’s sure Dream has not the nicest of grimaces currently plastered on his.

“It can’t be that bad,” Blu chides. “Right?”

“A glitch in the system who tore down worlds and innocent lives left and right and doesn’t even feel remorse for it, ‘not that bad’, Cross snaps, snorting derisively. “Sure. Why not?”

“You say that as if you weren’t as close to that before,” Dream reminds him. Cross glares at Dream, who merely raises a brow at him, daring him to correct the guardian.

  
Cross doesn’t. “I knew I fucked up,” he says instead. Dream nods.

“Yes, and perhaps that is what sets you apart from him…” Dream turns to ErrorBlade. “To answer your question, Error was more commonly known as the ‘Destroyer of Worlds’, tasked with eliminating ‘alternative universes’ that base their source code from the original universe. Think of it as…hm…destroying multiple servers with a pull of a string,” Dream mimes pulling a thread with a hand.

“You’re kidding,” Gastza says, horrified. “And you haven’t put a stop to it?”

Dream definitely lets his scowl show. “That isn’t my role. There IS someone supposed to stop Error…”

“He has an equal?” ErrorBlade perks up with interest. “Who is it?”

Cross answers before Dream can well and truly lose it. “…Ink. And he’s about as reliable as a fucking donut.”

“He’s a selfish bastard period,” Dream snaps irritably. “He doesn’t feel ANYTHING,” he explains to the four, while furiously turning to the chests rearranging the supplies for the third time in a row. “He has no soul and constantly uses his powers to make stories ‘interesting’.”

“It’s how I lost my universe,” Cross says. “Ink made a ‘game’ with XGaster and called it the X-Event. I make up part of it, and that’s because I murdered everyone else in my universe in a fit of rage over their manipulations.”

“That’s…”

Fresh is less of a bastard that initially expected, because he actually looks sympathetic. “Fuck him, then. Is that why you were a second short of decking Not-Ink here?”

Dream flushes a brilliant yellow “Well I --”

Cross smushes his face. “Yes,” he answers with a straight face. “He actually has been wanting to, since the beginning.”

“Crummph!”

“Shush, babe, you know it’s true.”

“Are you guys actually dating?” WilBlu asks, surprised. Cross turns to him in surprise.

“Well…yeah? I love this asshole. I’d die for him.”

“Perish,” Dream mumbles petulantly. Cross pats him condescendingly.

“Yes yes, I will, your lordship.”

“Your relationship confuses me,” ErrorBlade remarks. Cross and Dream both stare him down.

“It confuses us too,” they say in unison.

“Holy hell is that creepy,” Fresh reels back, WTF flashing on his glasses.


	4. get rekt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cross and Blue are literal badasses. That's all there is to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel good stuff!!! I LOVE CROSS AND BLUE SO MUCH OKAY
> 
> I LOVE DREAM TOO BUT THIS ISNT ABOUT HIM

“WHAT THE FUCK.” Crossdy exclaims, rather loudly.

The sentiment was shared with all of the audience. LustNotFound, Not-Ink’s best friend (toy, as Dream would bitterly correct in private), is gaping rather amusingly.

Cross twirls his blades once, twice, before stabbing them both in the ground. He’s crossing his arms next, watching silently as both ErrorBlade and Not-Ink groan on the ground in front of him.

“I told you,” he says. “I told you I had proper, actual training, and you didn’t believe me.”

“Fuck off,” Not-Ink mumbles, humbled by the defeat. A rare thing to happen, considering he’s one of two proclaimed ‘fighting gods’ in this AU. “Who the fuck gets as strong as you do?”

Cross tilts his head. “I mean. The Blue we knew was the only one who could take me one on one in a fight.”

ErrorBlade snaps his head up from his position. “You’re joking,” he breathes in disbelief.

Cross raises a brow. “I’m not. Dream has a video.”

Thirty minutes later, all of the AU’s inhabitants are once again, flabbergasted, as they watch Cross and a lookalike of WilBlu duke it out in an arena, evenly matched. Even ErrorBlade has a hard time following the movements.

They’re just so…fast.

Or, in Blue’s case, super fucking tenacious.

“Pog,” whispers Freshinnit in awe, eating a bowl of popcorn. WilBlu is watching, equally in awe, as he steals bites from Fresh’s stash.

“Can’t believe they think this is impressive,” Cross rolls his eyes. “Blue and I aren’t even going full out,”

“You would both be in comas if we actually let you duke it out, honey,” Dream pats his shoulder.

They’re unaware of the horrified stares they get from the people currently sitting around them.

“Think they’d freak out when they watch your knife tricks?”

Dream hums. “Not if I stab them first.”

“Babe you really need to stop stabbing people that come within three feet of you.”

“Slander. I am a nice compassionate guardian and I’m always ready to help.”

“Help people on their way to hell, you mean.”

“Perhaps that is so.”

“What is wrong with you two?” Not-Ink asks, amused.

“Wow, pot calling kettle?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to see my personal headcanons of dream in a narrative format check out my traveler series lol it's dream but a hobo nomad
> 
> also this is the last chapter from what i have currently written. give me some scenarios to write, i'll see what i can do!

**Author's Note:**

> also this is very not serious.
> 
> additional note Cross and Dream are highly more trained and skilled at combat than any of the SMP guys are because they both spent most of their lives learning. The only one coming close to their skill would probably be ErrorBlade. On this note, the original Ink and Error are leagues above them as well.
> 
> Additionally Cross and Dream both have magic. SMP guys do not.
> 
> Side note! Forgive Cross no one's told him about the guys' preferences. Cut him slack! The sexualities of the cast (besides Cream lmao) are kept ambiguous as they won't really be dating.


End file.
